My Story
Sunday, July 31, 2005
AP
Came across this article when I was reading the Star today. Very funny:- =P
National AP-titude
TEH TARIK
By ANDREW SIA
It is the year 2050 and Kuala Lumpur’s traffic jams have finally been beaten by hover-cars that zip around in mid-air on “aero-highways”. But the old issues of AP Kings, a Santa Claus economy and squeaky national products are still around.
Even though the new hover-cars don’t need roads, everybody still has to pay air-tax and air-tolls – at 20 sen per air-kilometre in the year 2050.
Of course, in the spirit of Malaysia Boleh, we have eight National Hover-Car Projects, with the three leading brands being Neutron, Hover-Dua and Zaza.
Thailand became the automotive hub of South-East Asia 30 years ago due to their open market policies and their hottest product now is the Sawadee KERABU hover-car.
Fortunately, Malaysians can also buy one cheaply because Zaza was given 500,000 AP’s to import and assemble them locally. In the local market, that model is sold as the Zaza KERBAU.
But why only two or three fellas got so many AP’s (Approved Permits) lah? I spoke to the Yang Berhormat (YB) Minister from the Kementerian Pembangunan Industri Mental dan Minda (Industrial Strength Mind and Mental Development Ministry, er . . . loosely translated) to find out The Truth.
YB, can you comment on the controversy over the APs given to Zaza, our fourth National Hover-Car maker?” I ask.
“What controversy?”
“If the Zaza people just take screwdrivers and assemble stuff from Thailand, how can they become a National Industry? Where’s the Malaysian content?”
“Got a lot what. The KERABU used Thai silk on the seats. We are using batik. They had a Loy Loy Krathong ringtone to remind people to put on their seat belts. The KERBAU has a Budi Bahasa Budaya Kita ringtone. Ours one polyphonic some more you know? Canggih tu!” explains the YB.
“Umm . . . all this sounds like surface stuff. And it still only adds up to 18%. The engine and anti-gravity boosters are still all Made in Thailand. Should public money subsidise a project that doesn’t really add to our technological know how? What about other AP Kings who don’t even have showrooms, let alone assembly plants?”
“You’re wrong there. All these people are crucial in helping us develop Malaysia’s most important growth industry.”
“Which one is that YB?”
“The Santa Claus lobby polishing industry. They only do five- star hotels you know.”
“I see.”
“This is the core of Malaysia’s Knowledge-Based K-Economy and the Development of Human Capital. It’s all about which humans you know,” stresses the Minister.
“But people are upset why tens of thousands of AP’s were awarded to Datuk Kamcheng and Tan Sri Connected bin Frenfren. I thought affirmative action was about helping the poor and disadvantaged?” I query.
“You don’t get it. You see, under the WEP or Wawasan Economic Policy, we must do everything in mega project form, we must think big. That applies to everything: buildings, airlines, airports, banks . . . Only then can we progress.”
“Sure, we need professional managers. But 30% of shares in these big companies could still be given to educational trust funds for poor fishermen and rubber tappers? Or cooperatives for underpaid government nurses and school teachers in recognition of their services?” I suggest.
“No, no. Under the WEP it’s much better to create 10 Billionaires rather than 10,000 Millionaires.”
“But people are upset that some AP Kings now have massive Italian marble mansions and luxury German hover-cars. If we create 1,000,000 Ten-Thousand-aires instead, they would all buy cheaper Malaysian products and help our economy.”
“My friend . . .” sighs YB, “It’s not just about the economy. The National Hover-Car project is also about instilling noble values.”
“How?”
“THIS is the way to instill patriotism and loyalty,” he declares. “While people are busting their brains or backs at work, they can all look up to Datuk Kamcheng as a role model, an APostle for salvation. It gives people hope.
“Fascinating.”
“The AP Kings also have educational value. The lesson is powerful: anybody in Malaysia can make it big, quick and easy, if they know the right way. Remember: unquestioning, slobbering loyalty equals patriotism.”
“Is there any financial link between you and these AP Kings?”
“Wait, wait. Let me get the AP Holy Book first . . .” (he takes a large leather bound book from the drawer)
“Wow!” I gasp. “A holy book of Approved Permits? Finally, the COMPLETE list?”
“No, no, not that AP. This one Ayah Pin. By the way, you were asking?”
“The link . . .”
“ Aku sumpah, I swear by the Holy Book and the Holy Teapot of Besut . . .” he thunders. “That I have absolutely, irrevocably zero, nothing, none, nada, nicht, tak’dak, meiyou, elek . . . such connection with them. In this life or the hereafter. Kamcheng frenfren only . . . Why like dat also cannot ah?”
“The KERABU costs RM100,000 in Thailand. But when it’s imported, the value declared to Customs for taxation is only RM8,888. How does that work?” I continue.
“It’s a special Gong Xi Fa Cai discount given by Customs. Applicable year round in true muhibbah spirit. Hello . . . you must look deeper. This multi-racial co-operation, the whole Ali Baba Inc love affair, is what keeps Malaysia well-oiled and running. It’s the greatest thing about this country . . .”
“Really?”
“Er . . . provided you are a shareholder of course . . .” he smiles.
To get a better picture, I also interviewed Prince Maha Bagus, the boss at Neutron, the first National Hover-Car Project.
“Malaysian taxpayers and customers have been supporting Neutron for a long time. What have your company’s contributions to the country been?” I ask him.
“We’ve employed so many locals and nurtured so many hover-car parts factories. Another spin-off benefit is that the public transport system, especially around Selangor, has been demoted. Since it is now a Manyak Maju First World state, everyone should fly their own vehicles. Buses are very Third World you know,” notes Prince.
“Any other gains?”
“Technology transfer of course. We now have cutting edge stuff in our products.”
“Next month, the Sawadee KERABU will announce a new engine which can run for 1,000km on three litres of tom yam soup. 1,200 km, if you add lime juice. What new developments are coming from Neutron?” I enquire.
“Next month, after 20 years of intensive R&D, we will announce that we have finally fixed our power windows!”
“Congratulations Prince! Anything else?”
“All our hover-cars will also include a free belacan-maker inside.”
“Is that a product that the public wants? Will it be as popular as that yellow Juara ice cream van from 50 years ago?”
“The people should be grateful that we have been giving them such first-class products all these years. Ingrates. What’s happened to the Asian culture of being thankful to your elders?” he complains. “Anyway, wait till you hear of our latest upgrade: every Neutron now includes free mouse traps!”
“What for?” I ask.
“We’ve discovered a curious characteristic of many Neutrons – a mysterious mouse pops up after about three years and starts squeaking all over inside hover-cars. Customers have had problems finding the mouse so we’re putting in the traps. The cheese baits will be provided free of charge – that’s what customer service is all about,” beams Prince proudly.
“So people should have full confidence in the quality of your products from now on?”
“Actually, Malaysians are not so capable. Therefore we have asked the Sarawakians to head-hunt some Germans to do our quality control. Our next model will be called the Neutron ACHTUNG!”
“Seig Heil Mein Fuehrer! But Malaysians seem to have so much more faith in the Second National Hover-Car, Hover-Dua nowadays. There is an eight-month waiting list for Hover-Dua’s latest product although customers have not even test-flown it. Whereas Neutrons . . . well . . . Could it be because you guys have misread public tastes? Or maybe there have been too many squeaking mice?” I query.
“Irrelevant, irrelevant!” he asserts. “What’s important is that we must stop AP holders from bringing in KERBAUS cheaply to compete with us. We are the only True National Hover-Car.” W
National AP-titude
TEH TARIK
By ANDREW SIA
It is the year 2050 and Kuala Lumpur’s traffic jams have finally been beaten by hover-cars that zip around in mid-air on “aero-highways”. But the old issues of AP Kings, a Santa Claus economy and squeaky national products are still around.
Even though the new hover-cars don’t need roads, everybody still has to pay air-tax and air-tolls – at 20 sen per air-kilometre in the year 2050.
Of course, in the spirit of Malaysia Boleh, we have eight National Hover-Car Projects, with the three leading brands being Neutron, Hover-Dua and Zaza.
Thailand became the automotive hub of South-East Asia 30 years ago due to their open market policies and their hottest product now is the Sawadee KERABU hover-car.
Fortunately, Malaysians can also buy one cheaply because Zaza was given 500,000 AP’s to import and assemble them locally. In the local market, that model is sold as the Zaza KERBAU.
But why only two or three fellas got so many AP’s (Approved Permits) lah? I spoke to the Yang Berhormat (YB) Minister from the Kementerian Pembangunan Industri Mental dan Minda (Industrial Strength Mind and Mental Development Ministry, er . . . loosely translated) to find out The Truth.
YB, can you comment on the controversy over the APs given to Zaza, our fourth National Hover-Car maker?” I ask.
“What controversy?”
“If the Zaza people just take screwdrivers and assemble stuff from Thailand, how can they become a National Industry? Where’s the Malaysian content?”
“Got a lot what. The KERABU used Thai silk on the seats. We are using batik. They had a Loy Loy Krathong ringtone to remind people to put on their seat belts. The KERBAU has a Budi Bahasa Budaya Kita ringtone. Ours one polyphonic some more you know? Canggih tu!” explains the YB.
“Umm . . . all this sounds like surface stuff. And it still only adds up to 18%. The engine and anti-gravity boosters are still all Made in Thailand. Should public money subsidise a project that doesn’t really add to our technological know how? What about other AP Kings who don’t even have showrooms, let alone assembly plants?”
“You’re wrong there. All these people are crucial in helping us develop Malaysia’s most important growth industry.”
“Which one is that YB?”
“The Santa Claus lobby polishing industry. They only do five- star hotels you know.”
“I see.”
“This is the core of Malaysia’s Knowledge-Based K-Economy and the Development of Human Capital. It’s all about which humans you know,” stresses the Minister.
“But people are upset why tens of thousands of AP’s were awarded to Datuk Kamcheng and Tan Sri Connected bin Frenfren. I thought affirmative action was about helping the poor and disadvantaged?” I query.
“You don’t get it. You see, under the WEP or Wawasan Economic Policy, we must do everything in mega project form, we must think big. That applies to everything: buildings, airlines, airports, banks . . . Only then can we progress.”
“Sure, we need professional managers. But 30% of shares in these big companies could still be given to educational trust funds for poor fishermen and rubber tappers? Or cooperatives for underpaid government nurses and school teachers in recognition of their services?” I suggest.
“No, no. Under the WEP it’s much better to create 10 Billionaires rather than 10,000 Millionaires.”
“But people are upset that some AP Kings now have massive Italian marble mansions and luxury German hover-cars. If we create 1,000,000 Ten-Thousand-aires instead, they would all buy cheaper Malaysian products and help our economy.”
“My friend . . .” sighs YB, “It’s not just about the economy. The National Hover-Car project is also about instilling noble values.”
“How?”
“THIS is the way to instill patriotism and loyalty,” he declares. “While people are busting their brains or backs at work, they can all look up to Datuk Kamcheng as a role model, an APostle for salvation. It gives people hope.
“Fascinating.”
“The AP Kings also have educational value. The lesson is powerful: anybody in Malaysia can make it big, quick and easy, if they know the right way. Remember: unquestioning, slobbering loyalty equals patriotism.”
“Is there any financial link between you and these AP Kings?”
“Wait, wait. Let me get the AP Holy Book first . . .” (he takes a large leather bound book from the drawer)
“Wow!” I gasp. “A holy book of Approved Permits? Finally, the COMPLETE list?”
“No, no, not that AP. This one Ayah Pin. By the way, you were asking?”
“The link . . .”
“ Aku sumpah, I swear by the Holy Book and the Holy Teapot of Besut . . .” he thunders. “That I have absolutely, irrevocably zero, nothing, none, nada, nicht, tak’dak, meiyou, elek . . . such connection with them. In this life or the hereafter. Kamcheng frenfren only . . . Why like dat also cannot ah?”
“The KERABU costs RM100,000 in Thailand. But when it’s imported, the value declared to Customs for taxation is only RM8,888. How does that work?” I continue.
“It’s a special Gong Xi Fa Cai discount given by Customs. Applicable year round in true muhibbah spirit. Hello . . . you must look deeper. This multi-racial co-operation, the whole Ali Baba Inc love affair, is what keeps Malaysia well-oiled and running. It’s the greatest thing about this country . . .”
“Really?”
“Er . . . provided you are a shareholder of course . . .” he smiles.
To get a better picture, I also interviewed Prince Maha Bagus, the boss at Neutron, the first National Hover-Car Project.
“Malaysian taxpayers and customers have been supporting Neutron for a long time. What have your company’s contributions to the country been?” I ask him.
“We’ve employed so many locals and nurtured so many hover-car parts factories. Another spin-off benefit is that the public transport system, especially around Selangor, has been demoted. Since it is now a Manyak Maju First World state, everyone should fly their own vehicles. Buses are very Third World you know,” notes Prince.
“Any other gains?”
“Technology transfer of course. We now have cutting edge stuff in our products.”
“Next month, the Sawadee KERABU will announce a new engine which can run for 1,000km on three litres of tom yam soup. 1,200 km, if you add lime juice. What new developments are coming from Neutron?” I enquire.
“Next month, after 20 years of intensive R&D, we will announce that we have finally fixed our power windows!”
“Congratulations Prince! Anything else?”
“All our hover-cars will also include a free belacan-maker inside.”
“Is that a product that the public wants? Will it be as popular as that yellow Juara ice cream van from 50 years ago?”
“The people should be grateful that we have been giving them such first-class products all these years. Ingrates. What’s happened to the Asian culture of being thankful to your elders?” he complains. “Anyway, wait till you hear of our latest upgrade: every Neutron now includes free mouse traps!”
“What for?” I ask.
“We’ve discovered a curious characteristic of many Neutrons – a mysterious mouse pops up after about three years and starts squeaking all over inside hover-cars. Customers have had problems finding the mouse so we’re putting in the traps. The cheese baits will be provided free of charge – that’s what customer service is all about,” beams Prince proudly.
“So people should have full confidence in the quality of your products from now on?”
“Actually, Malaysians are not so capable. Therefore we have asked the Sarawakians to head-hunt some Germans to do our quality control. Our next model will be called the Neutron ACHTUNG!”
“Seig Heil Mein Fuehrer! But Malaysians seem to have so much more faith in the Second National Hover-Car, Hover-Dua nowadays. There is an eight-month waiting list for Hover-Dua’s latest product although customers have not even test-flown it. Whereas Neutrons . . . well . . . Could it be because you guys have misread public tastes? Or maybe there have been too many squeaking mice?” I query.
“Irrelevant, irrelevant!” he asserts. “What’s important is that we must stop AP holders from bringing in KERBAUS cheaply to compete with us. We are the only True National Hover-Car.” W
posted by z_jun at 1:27 PM
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