My Story

Ah 1 more day to EE2012 exam...half of me is glad that it's finally arriving...half of me doesn't want to sit for the paper. Going to consultation today, instead of clearing all my doubts about the past year, I feel more stressed seeing that others know so much more than me. It's so scary that they understand or try to understand all the concepts whereas I'm the formula kind. I prefer to use the formulas...I think that's what got me through Physics in Form 6 haha. But yea I'm not good at concepts...I don't really like to understand them. To me if it works that way, fine...then I'll just do it. Haih...stressed...I know...don't compare with others but isn't it how everything works? The bell curve our grades are based on...it's comparing with others rite...can't help it. But oh well...tmr's the day...I'll just do what I can tonight and sit for the exam tmr...hopefully I can manage some answers...2 more days...2 more papers...I wanna go home... :(

Just got back my EE2012 CA2 results...and I did damn badly...even though CA1 I got above average, I dun think it's enough to cover CA2's below average-ness... So how? I only have the weekend to study for the finals...60%...the results made me buck up...I was slacking all along...no mood to study for the finals...but now I have to...but I still can't progress much. Even though the past years are quite similar, but I don't have answers for it. If only I have answers for just one paper...just one will do...haih...but I don't. So how? I dunno either...I just feel that the method of teaching this module just isn't good. Especially the first part...the lecturer doesn't teach enough to answer his questions...okay maybe he craps a lot about it...but how are we supposed to remember all those vague theories...like the probability of getting a phone call through in Singapore...the only thing I remember from that is that u need to go to 1000 different places in Singapore bla bla bla. Heck there isn't even a tutorial for one whole chapter...okay not like the tutorial would help also probably... I'm just so lost...hope I won't be dead though...just wish to faster finish the exams...and go home...I miss home... :(

Had one week to study for my 2 remaining papers. Now left with half a week. Don't know if it's a good or bad thing. K I think it's good cos I need the time to study for my EE2012 paper. Hmm can't really concentrate at night nowadays. Maybe it's cos I spend the whole day staring at the same subject. It tends to get rather boring over time. It's not like I know everything though. It's cos I keep staring but nothing is going in and that's the problem. Haih...soon it'll be exam day again. I really hope I won't screw it up like my EE2009 paper. Rarr...

Okay I know I've blogged about this old friend of mine quite a number of times before. Everytime I go to Facebook and see some update, I really can't help feeling what I could have done to change the past. I still can't believe that something that was just for fun in the past became a reality now...or maybe she never treated it as fun but was serious about it all along. Haih...I know I know there are many people like her...but this is my friend. I guess I never knew her enough...after all we hang around together only a couple of hours a week during training. I really just wished that I could have done something... I think it's too late now...but I really hope she thinks about her future...please...

Today's EE2006 exam was alright except that there wasn't enough time for all 5 questions. So rushing through the paper, I don't know if I answered them correctly. In fact, I did a 12 mark question in the last 5 minutes cos I read it wrongly the first time round...so I dunno if it's correct. It's amazing how I can think of those designs in the 2 hours when I take a long time to do them in the past year papers. But of course the answers may not be accurate. Hopefully, I'll be able to get partial marks at least lor... =p The battle only gets tougher though...the next 2 exams are gonna be torturing although they're open book...I dun noe how I'm gonna answer the papers...haih...

Yet, I still find time to slack...watched the China Open today evening. Malaysia has 2 finalists...men's singles Lee Chong Wei and women's doubles Chin Eei Hui-Wong Pei Tty. Hope Chong Wei can win his first Super Series title while ranked number one in the world rankings this time. But, it's gonna be tough for him since he's meeting Lin Dan...and it won't be easy. For the women's doubles, hope they can win this one as well. They'll be meeting a China pair...Zhao Tingting-Zhang Yawen...they beat them before...hope they can do it again... :)

Haih...sometimes I js wonder how I always seem to be the "thinking" person. It's quite tiring to use your brain all the time...what more now that I have to split it between studies and life. I just wish to have someday that I just follow and not need to think. I don't want worries. How come I'm not the one that needs direction, how come people around me seem to be so childish, how come I always have to tell others what to do, how to react, although I'm the younger one, how come I seem to be the older one? It's very tiring...I want to breakdown also, I want to be the one complaining, be the one to lie in your arms when I have problems, but how come I can't seem to do that, how come I'm not able to rely on you when I have needs, how come you're stuck in your own little world, how come you never seem to grow up, I feel sad and tortured for you, but what can I do if I can't even bring myself to communicate nicely with you, I try I try...but it just doesn't work out...maybe I'm too childish myself, maybe I'm too impatient...I tried...what else ought I do to change you? Can I? I dunno...

Tomorrow will be my first exam. I have been studying for exams but I don't feel like I'm putting enough effort into it. There's still so many details that I'm not sure of. But I think that's my style. I'm the touch and go kind. Know a little here and there. For tomorrow's paper, the basic ideas are there. I just hope that I can do the "designing" in the limited time given. Hopefully can do okay. Then I can start worrying about my next papers which are much tougher although they're open book. Well, like people say in NUS...an open book exam means that the answers are not in there. So, makes no difference does it? At least we don't have to memorise the formulas. Studying for exams really takes my mind of everything. From daylight to night time, it's just formulas and words with the exception of badminton tournaments and some youtube videos (you can see why I say I'm not putting enough effort). When I was studying for major exams in high school last time, going online was kind of banned (well considering the connection I have at home, I can't do much online anyway haha). But now in uni, onlining is a way of communication and I can't really live without my computer anyway cos most of my materials are in soft copy. It's so funny how habits change so easily to adapt with the culture of the surrounding people. Sometimes, I even sleep quite late 1 or 2am (considered early around here). But, tonight must sleep early d... And nowadays sometimes I go out of my room to study also...it's amazing how full school is even when there are no classes going on. Honestly I would prefer to stay in my room to study but peer pressure...haha...I mean need to discuss with frens then better go out lor... Habits change...people change... Haih...just wanna finish up exams and go home...

Study week has begun...it's so quiet around here...guess most people have either gone home (Singaporeans or not) or gone out to mug... I realised that the best place for me to study is still in the room although my laptop is a distraction at times... Cos even if I go out whether to engin or library, I tend to sleep instead of study. Somehow I manage that...haha... But, my attention span for studying is quite short leh...sometimes after 1 hour then I tend to wander around d...surf net la...time passes so quickly when u're not studying... take tonight for instance...I want to study, but got no mood then I end up blogging, surfing the net, thinking about silly stuff...haih...don't know why but when I hv really no mood I js can't go on... :(

Lately, or maybe all the while, I've been getting agitated by what others do. Actions that I do not approve of... My opinion of myself is that I'm a very responsible person. Sometimes too responsible for my own good...reminds me of Taekwondo club last time...but at least I'll definitely get the job done...most of the time. I don't forget about stuff...I will remember or at least try very hard to remember what I should do... Different people have different attitudes towards things I guess...why must this be the case? How come not everyone has that sense of responsibility...not to a particular club or what...just the responsibility as a person, as a human being...well can't change others...as the saying goes: if u want to change the world, change yourself first...dun get it...there's so many things I can't just express here...haih...

Had block supper today...food were cool...pizza, satay and ice creaaammm.... Probably a bit little for the quite unexpected number of ppl who came down for it...but well...it's supper...u're not supposed to eat so much so late at nite anyway... Plus Mr Carson's performances of songs from his era...basically everyone was trying to entertain him...was a bit awkward at the beginning but later in the nite...it was more 'fun'...heck if I wasn't so tired I probably would enjoy it much more... =p

Feel so incomplete as a person...suddenly feel so moody...when I'm moody, I just don't wanna talk (not like I talk much normally)...and everything that happens...I somehow convert it into something that irritates me...basically I become an intolerant, crappy person... So before I burst out, I rather keep it low, hide in a corner, if not, I would js blow up... Somehow, I feel exposed. I have so many flaws...so many irritations...how can I even live among people like this...just feel like digging a hole in the ground and building a little coop in there...where the world contains js me and me alone....away from ppl... Of course, what I'm doing to myself is js hurting myself...not anyone else but myself...As quoted from Buddha: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” I've heard it many times....that you shouldn't be angry at someone because there's no point cos the only person that will be hurt is yourself...but who can help it...after all we're only human... Hope it's js that I'm tired...althought I dun see y I should be tired since I'm getting so many hours of sleep these days... "The sun will come out....TOMORROW..."....but does tomorrow ever come??

Suddenly miss Form 6 life I dunno y...maybe cos I've been browsing throught Facebook and Friendster and realised that there's not many pictures in Form 6 uploaded... Also, there's still a bunch of them all together in UPM... makes me think of the days we had in Form 6...so innocent, so fun, so carefree... Now, I dun really keep in contact much with my classmates except for 1 or 2...Aswin, Wei Yin....and today I chatted (is there such a word??) with Wah Seng whom I wasn't very close to last time cos he's so quiet...but chatting with him just made me feel like we were really catching up on old times... haha....

After that I put "miss form 6 life" on my MSN...and Aswin and Wei Yin responded...hehe...glad to know that there's still them....Aswin and Wei Yin used to sit beside and behind me...was fun to recall the times we had in class...talking crap with Mr Radha, our form teacher...and well mostly talking crap. I remeber that our class somehow won both the English and Malay drama haha....the best thing was that we ALL were involved in it...every single one of us had a role...very funny to see everyone so enthusiastic...

Pestered Aswin to upload the photos we took last time...he said wanna make a CD out of it but end up dun hv also...aiya...busy doing other things la *ehem*?? Haha... Hope to catch up with you ppl the next time I'm back in Klang la... =p

Recently, I've got a big appetite...seem to be munching something all the while...if it's not my main meals then it's snacks or biscuits or drinks. Haih...mayb it's js to distract myself from studies...but it's kinda working a little too effectively haha...gosh...

Ah today went to have lunch wif my fren....and she announced she has a bf nw haha...js started...hee...nice to hear that...I know she quite easy to get wan cos she's so friendly...just needs to see whether she wants or not haha...nice to hear her side of the story haha...haha...haha...happy for her...hope she'll be happy for a long long time... =p

Mmm one thing I don't really like to do but I can't seem to resist not doing...is planning...in this case planning birthday celebrations... Somehow I just need to see that everything is nice and well, organised, goes according to plan and schedule...geesh I sound like a freak...mmm...but it's pretty tiring...after Shu Lin's birthday that day...this time it's 3 birthdays...but we're gonna combine it all mwahaha....hopefully it'll go smoothly this one...well of course normally birthdays do go smoothly...*prays*

I seem to have a lot of complains, don't I? I feel like I'm a kind of person that u can find when u're down, u need help come n find me, I'll try my best to help and console u. But hor...if u're happy, and wanna share or 'boast' ur joyfulness....don't come find me...Ok....I noe I'm weird...maybe it's js being paranoid, maybe it's the feeling of not having the same privilege, maybe it's just plain jealousy...or maybe it depends on the person...I do feel that I treat diff ppl differently, unknowingly...or sometimes I do realise it...but guess that's the case with most ppl rite, isn't it? Or am I different, weird?? Can't expect me to be a perfect person...

FINALLY, it's the end of the week...Did NOT do very well for all my tests...though GEM was ookkk, EE2009 was pointless since I got the same marks as the 1st test and only the highest counts, EE2012 was urm easier then 1st test BUT I still did badly...EE2006 project presentation is finally done and over with...had a few hiccups during presentation...hope my GA's nice enough to give me the maximum marks I can get...he seems nice...

Today, SS's lecture is about religion. Funny that I was thinking about this issue recently. Religion is a complicated thing to understand. There's no right or wrong about any one religion and every religion have their own beliefs... You just have to know what you believe and don't but life's not that simple, is it? Ppl have chosen to follow a particular religion for whatever reasons... Sometimes I wish that I was just born into a family with a kind of 'fixed' religion d...so that I don't have to think about it already... not that I don't love my family the way we are right now...love all of u...guess God has his ways...

After lectures today, I was just out of energy, slept throughout the whole evening...guess the week has finally taken it's toll on me...haha...and I just wasted my whole night away...haih...after today....MUST study....there's not much time left before my exams start...

Aaahhhh this is I think the first time that I'm still awake even though it's so late d...gosh...Somehow not in the sleepy mood...the kind that pulls you to bed even if you don't want to.

The reason I'm up so late is cos of my EE2006 project. Went to meet tutor at around 6pm up til 8pm but he couldn't solve my minor prob...not solved til nw but it's ok...the most I'll reset it multiple times?? Mmm...no idea what's wrong...even my tutor can't solve it then how...spent some time trying to solve it using power supply in JJ's room..but to no avail...nvmla no choice...just make it all nice and neat...luckily JJ doesn't sleep early wan...if not dieler...needed the power supply to check what went wrong after I fiddled with all the wires...luckily nth much just that I din connect the power line properly...phew...glad it's done... JJ's also done with a few hiccups...but Chao Yian's mmm...not working and he's given up on it...nothing much I can do to help...cos I'm different project don't really noe what's going on...just can help them solve a few things here and there but most of the thing I can't do much...I'm no genius...

After finished making my circuit neatttt....went on with the report...luckily I already settled arough draft for it earlier...so now it's just adding stuff here and there to make it more lengthy...took quite long...tmr (or rather today) need to go and print...geesh...after today 2 more tests...1 I'm not prepared at ALL...haih dunno how also... warghhh...

Hmm...I got class at 8am...and now it's already 6...7 plus got breakfast d...guess there's no point sleeping...hmmm...oh no...I'm officially becoming an NUS student...rarrr...

Bracing myself for the week...I really want it to be over quickly but yet I don't want the days to come. Cos I haven't really studied for my tests...though I have been goin through some of it...I'm still not confident yet. Haih but no choice right? Time waits for noone...

I haven't even kau tim-ed my project yet...everything is half finished... haven't rewired it...report's js roughly done....diagram incomplete...geesh...how come I take so long to settle everything? Sometimes it does take the deadline to stare you right in the face before you can finish anything...

When I wake up from sleep, everything I need to do just rushes through my mind and I start getting stressed...wondering where am I gonna dig up the extra time I need to do everything haih...really is stressful thinking about everything at once...maybe I should look at one thing at a time...finish it one by one...step by step...

Wahh I just watched 2 horror movies tonite. DND is having this screening of 4 movies in conjunction with Halloween. They showed Shutter, The Exorcist, The Ring, and IT.

I watched Shutter and the Exorcist. Shutter (in Thai) was okay...Li Wei liked the storyline. It is a bit twisty...it's okla...and normal lor...the ghost suddenly appears from time to time... The Exorcist is like a classic movie la...straightforward...effects were quite good la...though most of the time when the "demon" was there me and Li Wei were hiding behind our jackets haha....It's been a long time since I've watched good ghost movies...haha...

Ring and IT will be shown too late so I better not watch it d. I've never watched the Ring before but I think I've watched IT before when I was very young...it's also one of those classic movie...I dun exactly remember the story but oh well, how far do ghost stories deviate from the normal storyline anyway haha...

Haha...so for these few days, I better lock up my imagination...not think so much haha...Gotta ocupy my mind with all my studies, project, assignment, report, and activities...warghhhh...